Recollections and Recipes from an Oreo/Pop-Tart Girl
This is the first in a series of occasional mini-blogs from a suspense author who grew up on Oreos and Pop-Tarts.
Apparently, we all have an emotional reset button. I learned this by reading my online horoscope on yahoo.com today. Not that I advise basing any kind of emotional decision on what a computer thinks, but it is eerie how connected my yahoo horoscope and I seem to be these days.
After checking my horoscope, I stupidly faced down my fears and stepped on the scale. I knew it was going to be bad. I haven’t stepped on a scale for at least a year because it’s about as enjoyable as sticking a fork in my eye. Anyway, I stripped down completely, even thought about plucking my eyebrows to save a few ounces, but realized even my eyebrow hair, Eddie-Munster-like as it is, probably doesn’t weight that much.
I stepped on (stupid, clunky, dramatic music please), eyes closed. Slowly, I opened one eye and peeked.
After the initial shock wore off, I developed a sudden case of Tourette’s and thought about actually sticking a fork in my eye. (I’m having a hard time finding my emotional reset button here folks, kay? Anyone know where it is? Does it look like a belly button? A big toe?)
I had an epiphany. That yoga class idea I had, where people twist themselves into pretzels, and then eat cheese-covered pretzels, probably not marketable.
I, fortunately, joined Weight Watchers two weeks before I stepped on the scale and began a 10-week training program with the goal of running a 5K in the fall. But this kind of weight gain (17 pounds above my worst imagined weight) just doesn’t seem normal.
Now I know I can’t blame everything on sitting all day long in a cubicle, or on my Pennsylvania Dutch ancestors, God bless them, who apparently had an unhealthy attachment to lard and sausages. I need to learn to take care of myself again. This is going to be more challenging than one might think, as I am the anti-Betty Crocker. I’ve actually blown things up in the kitchen. And burnt macaroni and cheese. And baked sugar cookies without the sugar, which is kind of important in a recipe with the word “sugar” in its title. For the first 10 years of my life, I thought Oreo Cookies were one of the main food groups. I am not even kidding.
Seriously, my cooking is way scarier than when Harrison Ford, playing a police detective in the movie Witness, goes undercover deep in Amish country and discovers chow chow, shoofly pie, and schnitz and knepp.
Take my Phat Chocolate Pop-Tart Casserole, for example:
1 box of Kellogg’s Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts (What? They provide like 7 essential vitamins and minerals and no trans fat or cholesterol!)
1 cup of butter
1 cup of brown sugar
40 saltine crackers (use fat-free variety if it makes you feel better)
12 oz. of chocolate chips
Cover cookie sheet with aluminum foil. Line saltines on foil. Melt butter and add sugar. Cook until boiling, stirring. Boil 3 minutes. Pour butter/sugar mixture over crackers and spread. Bake at 400 degrees for 5 minutes. Remove from oven (duh). Pour 12 oz package of chocolate chips over mixture and spread with the back of a spoon over all crackers. To help melt chips, cover with another cookie sheet for a few minutes. Break up Pop-Tarts and sprinkle over the chocolate. Refrigerate for 2 hours. Then break up and eat!
PS: I’ve never actually made this using the Pop-Tarts. But I bet it would be good.
From actual Pop-Tart box: Due to possible risk of fire, never leave your toasting appliance or microwave unattended. If pastry is overheated, frosting/filling can become extremely hot and could cause burns. DUH???
Calories per serving: Who cares.
Fat g: Why do you want to know?
Cholesterol: At least the Pop-Tarts have no cholesterol!
When something contains Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Sodium Stearoyl Lactate, DATEM, Yellow No. 6 Lake, Blue No. 2 Lake, Red No. 40 Lake, Yellow No. 5 Lake, you know it has to be good. And breakfast IS the most important part of the day. Thanks for letting me get that out of my system.
By the way, I have a book signing tonight in Doylestown Pennsylvania at the Doylestown Bookshop (www.doylestownbookshop.com). Did you know August 4 is National Champagne Day? Cheers!